I do not love to blog. I don't do it often. Mostly I blog because I have to. Words press themselves into my heart and on my brain. My mind writes line after line while I go about my day and then relentlessly reminds me to put the words to paper if I want relief.
Today I am blogging as a foster mother. We are a foster family facing the indescribable task of saying goodbye.
I have been pleading with God for months to do my will. My will made sense. My plan (even now) seems to be what is best for this child. Yesterday, when I knew for sure what would lie ahead, my body and emotions went into shear panic. I was sick, almost unable to breathe, and feeling completely unequipped (both spiritually and mentally) to even face life, much less face goodbye.
This morning I woke in complete and utter desperation to Christ. (as I should every morning, but rarely do) I just began to pray for something. I prayed for some supernatural thing aligning with God's will to occur and either bring me calm or change a situation that I have absolutely no control over.
My heart and mind urged me to the Bible, the perfect word of God, (as it should every morning, but I too rarely make the time for it)
I am not sure whether God leads me to certain passages or if the Bible is such a living scripture that any passage I read seems perfectly relevant to my situation. I read about the faith of Abraham and Sarah and then the story of Hagar and her son Ishmael and how God "was with the boy" as he grew up in the desert. I eventually landed on Phillipians 1:9. "And I pray this: That your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."
So this became my chanting prayer and I repeated it in my heart and in my mind over and over and over again "I pray this, that my love will keep growing in knowledge and discernment,so that I can determine what really matters..."
What really matters?
To glorify God in everything I do.
God's perfect will, His perfect timing, His perfect plan, will always glorify Him. This is a promise I know to be true.
So while going through our morning circus training of brushing 92 teeth, pouring Jack in skinny jeans and properly layering 4 monkeys for varying degrees of weather, I wondered to myself.
What will I do this moment to glorify God? I will surrender every agenda of my own. I will surrender the things that I feel I am entitled to. I will lay down every injustice, all of the anger, the frustration, the blame. I will not demand understanding or logic, God is bigger than what my eyes can see, what my mind can comprehend. I release myself from the responsibility to make this right. I do not have to bare the burden of what might go wrong in the future, He will bare it for me. I will focus on glorifying God this day, this very moment, in my love for this child, my love for my own children, my husband, my family, friends and community.
Perhaps the glory of God was always intended to shine through the heartache and the only thing holding back the ocean of peace and calm was my refusal to cast the burden entirely at his feet.
So many of you have shared this experience with us through constant prayer, tears, and anger on our behalf. I love you so much for that. For loving her so freely, and loving us in all the right ways. And I ask you to please join me in surrender. I refuse to give one more thought to anger, confusion, should haves, what ifs, or whys. I have flung this into the hands of our Saviour and He has lifted it onto His mighty back and smiled. Then I could almost feel the hug, I could almost taste His tears join with mine as we rock this precious child and cherish her sweet smile for a few more weeks.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Saturday, July 2, 2011
His Toe
I write letters in my mind. I also answer phone calls, give people therapy and encouragement, draft motivational speeches, express beautiful apologies, imagine and tell my kids funny stories, and hash things out with God. All in my mind. Almost every time there is a determined intent to put these things on paper tomorrow, or next week, or when the kids are napping. Sometimes I write the same person different drafts of a letter every night for weeks and never form a single stick, curve or dot with ink or lead.
My initial response to this lack of follow through is that I feel guilty. I feel like I have not taken action on something that the Holy Spirit has laid on my mind or heart over and over again. I believe that the receiver of said letter must need encouragement, or guidance, and I am ripping them off by my laziness or busyness. Then I remind myself of what I know to be true about God. He doesn’t need me, he wants to use me. For me. If God wants my friends and family to be encouraged, he provides them with encouragement. So then I think of this in a whole new light. The whispers that I ignore and postpone, they are offers from God, opportunities. Not opportunities to bless, serve, encourage, love, advise others, but opportunities to be blessed.
We were made by God to glorify Him by mimicking Jesus in every aspect of our lives. Our private thoughts, our family relationships, our use of finances, our ability to rest and enjoy this life that He has given us. Since we were made for this calling, when intentionally pursue it in our souls, hearts, attitudes, emotions, energy and wellbeing work better. This sounds a little simple, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I also don’t know why I keep having to remind myself of it when I know it is truth.
So how many moments have I missed?
When I am so angry at my husband that being in the house with him makes me want to crawl out of my skin, did I miss a whisper? Was I offered a chance to learn how to love, offer grace and forgive by advising a friend in a struggling marriage to do such things?
Did I miss a reminder of love and grace by yelling and punishing instead of teaching and demonstrating cooperation to my fighting, screaming children?
When I miss my friends and family so much that it physically hurts my gut. Did I miss an offered blessing? Was I offered a chance to remember good times, to feel those feelings of empathy, love, sisterhood, comfort rippling through my veins with every little hash and dot on the paper.
When I am feeling sorry for myself, I am bored, restless, feeling like my days are laundry and dinners and dishes , rice krispies dried to tabletops, broken electronics, check engine lights, lost phones and keys, chewed up shoes, error messages, viral croop, once, twice, three times ,lego under my foot, naked barbies, boys missing toilets, girl pees in pants, fleas on the smelly, unbathed dog, overgrown gardens, mildewed laundry, unpaid bills, rotten wasted vegetables in the fridge, dirt under long neglected little fingernails, pee in the bed, poop on the floor, overflowing drawers and closets, garages at maximum capacity-no cars included, no milk. Again.
Was I offered a chance to stop and notice? Was I nudged to write in order for God to help me shift focus? To talk of the 25 different flower varieties in my overgrown garden, the free music on the village green, kids tumbling, booties shaking, smiles being shared, 80 and 90 year old hands entwined, overheard sibling conversations-giggles included, sunrises at 4:30am, sunsets that last for hours and hours, when the world is small, families of wild turkeys, deer butts trotting in front of the van for a full mile-even their butts are fun to watch, the way my husband’s foot touching mine in the middle of the night can end a fight. THERE! THERE IT WAS! That sentence right there. It made me tingle from my head to my toes, my stomach fluttered, I feel joy, pure joy that God gave me that. God gave me a connection with this man so strong that a toe to the arch of my foot will overhaul all anger, break down enormous walls of entitlement, selfishness, pride and frustration.
So His work here is done. This time I stopped, I wrote, I allowed the thoughts to process and verbalized them. I learned, I found joy, I ended a fight with Jon in my heart, I forgave myself, I am inspired to notice God’s gifts this day. To focus on these things. To accept the offers and grasp the opportunities.
Let’s give Him time in our life to bless us. Accept His toe to the arch of your foot. It is all in the accepting.
Monday, June 6, 2011
My New Home
Too many days have passed without connection to you people that I love. I now feel that I have too much to report and remember. I will warn you that you may need a cup of coffee to continue reading this. The condensed version for those of you not concerned with the details is that we are settling into our home in Vermont and overjoyed. But it is in the details that I will attempt to put together inadequate words to describe the tapestry of God in the last few days of my life, how I am in awe of these blessings, how there is an underlying excitement churning in my soul to see what He will do next, how I am so filled with joy and hope that I fear I will miss this calling to be who He called me to be through Him, to fulfill whatever purpose He intended for my family when He weaved each moment together so beautifully.
Jon and I left Houston on Saturday, May 28th. Jon drove a 26 foot uhaul crammed like pieces of a puzzle filled with everything we own behind him, and he towed the cadillac. I drove the minivan with a bike trailer holding 4 bikes, plus 8 passengers. Ty, Jack and Dylan, our three cats Astro, Gabby and Sunny, and our two dogs Indy and Charlie. Chrysler Stow and Go seat cubbies perfectly fit a cat litter box, you can plug an ipod, phone, gameboy, DS, and watch a movie all at the same time. I was armed with a McDonalds iced coffee, a phone ready to tweet and filled with music to sing to, and an ipod loaded with an audio book titled This Life is in Your Hands by Melissa Coleman. A memoir about a young girl whose family moved to a 60 acre farm in Maine to homestead back in the sixties. Quite fitting actually.
We were headed to a home we had never personally seen, picked out just days before by my sister, Becky. Jon will be working in Hartford, Vermont for Hartford Police Department. Becky and Jared, Macy and Grace live in Middletown Springs, Vermont where Jared pastors a church and writes and Becky does all things loving, creative and motherly. Between these two places lies 60 miles of country road which could be up to an hour and a half commute for Jon depending on where we chose to live. Jon and I had no idea where we should live. Hartford, Middletown or anywhere in between. We prayed and prayed that God would open doors wide or close them tight to guide us. We looked for houses to buy, houses to rent, etc. If you had seen the uncertainty of the days leading up to this move and then also felt the peace in my heart that all would be settled without any effort of my own, then you would know that God settled this long ago. Jon and I just floated in with the tide, and tried in the best way we knew how to keep our eyes on His plan.
We made it to Robert, Louisiana on Saturday night where I revisited my roots briefly. I hugged and kissed the few family members that we had time to see. We weren't quite sure what boarding was going to look like with our zoo. I come from a mostly non "animal-in-the-house" family. Thirty minutes before pulling in to town it was settled that my cousin Mandi was out of town and would love to have us inhabit her trailer for the night, all creatures welcome, and
have their own bed. We didn't ask, we didn't know Mandi was out of town, we weren't required to pay and we owe no debts, or favors. We were given freely. Christ has a pattern for such things ;)
Traveling Sunday brought us safely to Gasden, Alabama. Monday we began traveling and Jon had a blowout on the inside right tire of the uhaul. We were a few feet from an exit were the kids sampled treats from the Dairy Queen/Pizza Hut/ Gas Station in Cleveland, Tenessee. I then drove them to a forested playground two miles away where they happily wiggled and roamed until the tire was changed. They must have needed that after two and a half days. He knows our needs, no voicing required.
Monday we traveled on to Bristol, Virginia until my van said, "Stop," by flashing a service light and refusing to go or switch gears. We found the closest pet friendly hotel and transitioned our zoo into the room complete with litter box, dog dishes, and a stillness in our hearts. Although this should have been a setback, a moment of grief and anguish, our hearts said otherwise. We knew it had been settled long ago. So we looked up, found a mechanic down the road, and found a good movie on TV.
Tuesday morning we were told by our new mechanic, RJ, that he would put a new transmission in the van by working late through the night. He promised to have us back on the road by 11am Wednesday morning. I shopped for lamps and went to the laundromat where I worked to finish up the "Goodbye Houston" slideshow. Jon swam with the kids. We all got a break from the driving and one more encounter with God when our bill was payed in full Thursday morning. We never thought to ask for relief, we assumed we had been blessed so far and such things just happen. We didn't have to ask, we don't owe any debts or favors. We were given freely by God, through his people. When the Spirit of God moves our hearts to give, love, reach, help, serve...we should move. It is what we were created to do. It is the very thing that will fullfill your soul, fill your heart with joy, change your life. Never easy, always worth it.
Thursday night we traveled to Shippinsburgh, Pennsylvania. Friday morning we were in cruise control, Vermont or die, not-stoppin-til-we-get-there, mode. We were set to arrive Middletown Springs at 4:00 in the afternoon. At 4:45 we pulled up to Middletown Springs Community
Church, as instructed. We were greeted by an army of people waiting to serve us. We had never met them. We never asked, we were given freely. We followed a caravan up Coy Mountain to 24 Lookaway Road, Middletown Springs, Vermont 05757. Our new home. We would be seeing this home for the very first time.
I stopped on the fork of the road with the van while Jon tried to strategically maneuver the uhaul up our very steep and winding driveway. All The Kings helpers and all The Kings men had followed the truck up the gravel road to unload. The kids and dogs were already up the hill and smothered in Beck Beck hugs and kisses. I was all alone in an expanse of marvel and beauty I had never before in my life witnessed. My eyes beheld the green mountains, the long rustling grass, the bright blue skies, the mirrored pond. I could see nothing made of man but the gravel road. Only the canvas of God. My ears heard only the wind, the birds, a chirping, a freedom, a welcome. An utter anticipation.
It had taken us three days to load the truck. The truck was unloaded in an hour. Everthing neatly tucked into our new basement. I didn't have time to lift a box.
I stand in our new living room and look out the window at the wooded mountain tops. This is the most beautiful, most remote place I have ever been in my life. This house should be priced at 4 times our housing budget. We didn't find this house on Craigslist, or realty.com. God moved a heart and it was a willing heart, and that heart called my sister, and it was settled. May we keep our hearts willing.
Thursday night we were served gourmet lasagna, and asleep in our already furnished home by 9:30pm. I awoke at 3am. I missed my mother so much that I actually tried to will her to wake up and call me. There is no cell service here in town, so I watched the clock until i felt it fair to call my mom. As it turns out, in my state of overwhelm, I mistook the time change and called her at 4am. She was happy to hear from me, as usual. :) I was anxious, tired from the drive, worried about the landlord and her unusual urgency to cover every square inch of our soft wood pine floors. My mom, in her own words and manner, said, "This is settled." And I was reminded that it was.
The things that surprise me most about this move are not the miraculous things. Not the things like the job offered to Jon in this time of unemployment, the house out of no where, the free months of boarding leading up to the move, the constant aligning of need and provision. These things should surprise me, but that sureness was planted in our hearts a year ago, so they don't. What surprises me is God's constant attention to meaningless detail. Trivial things that are embarrassing to even mention when surrounded by such blessing and glory. Things like the dark brown carpet fragment we purchased to cover previously mentioned pine floors. Little Miss Paints in Poultney, Vermont had three choices to offer us. Navy blue, rainbow speckled berber, or dark brown carpet-a color I would have never even considered. It is beautiful, a perfect fit in our 15x29 foot living space and it was delivered to our home 10 minutes after we purchased it so we wouldn't have to wait the weekend to settle furniture in. Our bookshelf that fits a perfect 4 ft 2 inch space at the top of our stairwell banister, the lampshades that match antique bases alreaded lighting up this space, the quilts that warm us and match the already hung paintings on the wall. I think He pays attention to detail because He knows that the detail is what I get caught up in. I am so glad to find Him there.
This morning I loaded Jack into the child seat of my bicycle and clamped three helmets on Me, Ty and Jack to ride down the mountain to their fall 2011 elementary school 2 and 1/2 miles down the mountain, no pedaling required. Jon would pick us up after the tour as the ride back up would be impossible. One mile down the mountain Ty and I are giggling over dodged chipmunks and deer antlers peeking over the brush, wild turkey flying low over our heads-this ride is one of the best 5 moments I have ever had in my short 33 years. Then one tiny uphill slope and Ty's chain snapped in two. I didn't even have time to consider what I had read in the Girls Guide to Disaster. A truck drove up seconds later. This isn't common. We are one of four houses on 1000 acres, one of which is a usually vacant rental. He introduced himself as Ed, whom I will call Mr. Ed because he is at least 45 years my elder. He grew up in the bed and breakfast on property, he works for our landlord, tends the llama farm, and knows me by name. Seconds later I have entrusted my eldest son and his chainless bike into the hands of this stranger. Mr. Ed will drive Ty back up the mountain to Dad and Jack and I will continue on our bike ride down the mountain to the school. This is my new home, very different from my old home. God entervined because He knows that it is in the moments of fear that doubt will creep in.
Every time Jon comes home from a trip to the little village store, or the town of Rutland, he is overflowing with excitement to tell me of his moments, his connections, his encounters of kindness, goodness, possibility of meaningful friendships. Sunday morning we attended church service at Middletown Springs Community Church. The Pastor, my brother-in-law, Jared C. Wilson spoke of a calling. An excitement, a movement, a sureness of yourself in Christ. A fitting sermon. God is doing something here. The enormity of His presence leaves me feeling hopeful and a little fearful. Will we the Dickersons live up to His calling? Will our hearts remain willing? Will we keep our focus on glorifying His name? I pray we will.
I hope that many of you will join us here in our mountain home. We miss you. You are on our mind and in our hearts. Thank you for caring to the very last line, both in our previous paths and here in this blog.
Love, Jody Kay
Jon and I left Houston on Saturday, May 28th. Jon drove a 26 foot uhaul crammed like pieces of a puzzle filled with everything we own behind him, and he towed the cadillac. I drove the minivan with a bike trailer holding 4 bikes, plus 8 passengers. Ty, Jack and Dylan, our three cats Astro, Gabby and Sunny, and our two dogs Indy and Charlie. Chrysler Stow and Go seat cubbies perfectly fit a cat litter box, you can plug an ipod, phone, gameboy, DS, and watch a movie all at the same time. I was armed with a McDonalds iced coffee, a phone ready to tweet and filled with music to sing to, and an ipod loaded with an audio book titled This Life is in Your Hands by Melissa Coleman. A memoir about a young girl whose family moved to a 60 acre farm in Maine to homestead back in the sixties. Quite fitting actually.
We were headed to a home we had never personally seen, picked out just days before by my sister, Becky. Jon will be working in Hartford, Vermont for Hartford Police Department. Becky and Jared, Macy and Grace live in Middletown Springs, Vermont where Jared pastors a church and writes and Becky does all things loving, creative and motherly. Between these two places lies 60 miles of country road which could be up to an hour and a half commute for Jon depending on where we chose to live. Jon and I had no idea where we should live. Hartford, Middletown or anywhere in between. We prayed and prayed that God would open doors wide or close them tight to guide us. We looked for houses to buy, houses to rent, etc. If you had seen the uncertainty of the days leading up to this move and then also felt the peace in my heart that all would be settled without any effort of my own, then you would know that God settled this long ago. Jon and I just floated in with the tide, and tried in the best way we knew how to keep our eyes on His plan.
We made it to Robert, Louisiana on Saturday night where I revisited my roots briefly. I hugged and kissed the few family members that we had time to see. We weren't quite sure what boarding was going to look like with our zoo. I come from a mostly non "animal-in-the-house" family. Thirty minutes before pulling in to town it was settled that my cousin Mandi was out of town and would love to have us inhabit her trailer for the night, all creatures welcome, and
have their own bed. We didn't ask, we didn't know Mandi was out of town, we weren't required to pay and we owe no debts, or favors. We were given freely. Christ has a pattern for such things ;)
Traveling Sunday brought us safely to Gasden, Alabama. Monday we began traveling and Jon had a blowout on the inside right tire of the uhaul. We were a few feet from an exit were the kids sampled treats from the Dairy Queen/Pizza Hut/ Gas Station in Cleveland, Tenessee. I then drove them to a forested playground two miles away where they happily wiggled and roamed until the tire was changed. They must have needed that after two and a half days. He knows our needs, no voicing required.
Monday we traveled on to Bristol, Virginia until my van said, "Stop," by flashing a service light and refusing to go or switch gears. We found the closest pet friendly hotel and transitioned our zoo into the room complete with litter box, dog dishes, and a stillness in our hearts. Although this should have been a setback, a moment of grief and anguish, our hearts said otherwise. We knew it had been settled long ago. So we looked up, found a mechanic down the road, and found a good movie on TV.
Tuesday morning we were told by our new mechanic, RJ, that he would put a new transmission in the van by working late through the night. He promised to have us back on the road by 11am Wednesday morning. I shopped for lamps and went to the laundromat where I worked to finish up the "Goodbye Houston" slideshow. Jon swam with the kids. We all got a break from the driving and one more encounter with God when our bill was payed in full Thursday morning. We never thought to ask for relief, we assumed we had been blessed so far and such things just happen. We didn't have to ask, we don't owe any debts or favors. We were given freely by God, through his people. When the Spirit of God moves our hearts to give, love, reach, help, serve...we should move. It is what we were created to do. It is the very thing that will fullfill your soul, fill your heart with joy, change your life. Never easy, always worth it.
Thursday night we traveled to Shippinsburgh, Pennsylvania. Friday morning we were in cruise control, Vermont or die, not-stoppin-til-we-get-there, mode. We were set to arrive Middletown Springs at 4:00 in the afternoon. At 4:45 we pulled up to Middletown Springs Community
Church, as instructed. We were greeted by an army of people waiting to serve us. We had never met them. We never asked, we were given freely. We followed a caravan up Coy Mountain to 24 Lookaway Road, Middletown Springs, Vermont 05757. Our new home. We would be seeing this home for the very first time.
I stopped on the fork of the road with the van while Jon tried to strategically maneuver the uhaul up our very steep and winding driveway. All The Kings helpers and all The Kings men had followed the truck up the gravel road to unload. The kids and dogs were already up the hill and smothered in Beck Beck hugs and kisses. I was all alone in an expanse of marvel and beauty I had never before in my life witnessed. My eyes beheld the green mountains, the long rustling grass, the bright blue skies, the mirrored pond. I could see nothing made of man but the gravel road. Only the canvas of God. My ears heard only the wind, the birds, a chirping, a freedom, a welcome. An utter anticipation.
It had taken us three days to load the truck. The truck was unloaded in an hour. Everthing neatly tucked into our new basement. I didn't have time to lift a box.
I stand in our new living room and look out the window at the wooded mountain tops. This is the most beautiful, most remote place I have ever been in my life. This house should be priced at 4 times our housing budget. We didn't find this house on Craigslist, or realty.com. God moved a heart and it was a willing heart, and that heart called my sister, and it was settled. May we keep our hearts willing.
Thursday night we were served gourmet lasagna, and asleep in our already furnished home by 9:30pm. I awoke at 3am. I missed my mother so much that I actually tried to will her to wake up and call me. There is no cell service here in town, so I watched the clock until i felt it fair to call my mom. As it turns out, in my state of overwhelm, I mistook the time change and called her at 4am. She was happy to hear from me, as usual. :) I was anxious, tired from the drive, worried about the landlord and her unusual urgency to cover every square inch of our soft wood pine floors. My mom, in her own words and manner, said, "This is settled." And I was reminded that it was.
The things that surprise me most about this move are not the miraculous things. Not the things like the job offered to Jon in this time of unemployment, the house out of no where, the free months of boarding leading up to the move, the constant aligning of need and provision. These things should surprise me, but that sureness was planted in our hearts a year ago, so they don't. What surprises me is God's constant attention to meaningless detail. Trivial things that are embarrassing to even mention when surrounded by such blessing and glory. Things like the dark brown carpet fragment we purchased to cover previously mentioned pine floors. Little Miss Paints in Poultney, Vermont had three choices to offer us. Navy blue, rainbow speckled berber, or dark brown carpet-a color I would have never even considered. It is beautiful, a perfect fit in our 15x29 foot living space and it was delivered to our home 10 minutes after we purchased it so we wouldn't have to wait the weekend to settle furniture in. Our bookshelf that fits a perfect 4 ft 2 inch space at the top of our stairwell banister, the lampshades that match antique bases alreaded lighting up this space, the quilts that warm us and match the already hung paintings on the wall. I think He pays attention to detail because He knows that the detail is what I get caught up in. I am so glad to find Him there.
This morning I loaded Jack into the child seat of my bicycle and clamped three helmets on Me, Ty and Jack to ride down the mountain to their fall 2011 elementary school 2 and 1/2 miles down the mountain, no pedaling required. Jon would pick us up after the tour as the ride back up would be impossible. One mile down the mountain Ty and I are giggling over dodged chipmunks and deer antlers peeking over the brush, wild turkey flying low over our heads-this ride is one of the best 5 moments I have ever had in my short 33 years. Then one tiny uphill slope and Ty's chain snapped in two. I didn't even have time to consider what I had read in the Girls Guide to Disaster. A truck drove up seconds later. This isn't common. We are one of four houses on 1000 acres, one of which is a usually vacant rental. He introduced himself as Ed, whom I will call Mr. Ed because he is at least 45 years my elder. He grew up in the bed and breakfast on property, he works for our landlord, tends the llama farm, and knows me by name. Seconds later I have entrusted my eldest son and his chainless bike into the hands of this stranger. Mr. Ed will drive Ty back up the mountain to Dad and Jack and I will continue on our bike ride down the mountain to the school. This is my new home, very different from my old home. God entervined because He knows that it is in the moments of fear that doubt will creep in.
Every time Jon comes home from a trip to the little village store, or the town of Rutland, he is overflowing with excitement to tell me of his moments, his connections, his encounters of kindness, goodness, possibility of meaningful friendships. Sunday morning we attended church service at Middletown Springs Community Church. The Pastor, my brother-in-law, Jared C. Wilson spoke of a calling. An excitement, a movement, a sureness of yourself in Christ. A fitting sermon. God is doing something here. The enormity of His presence leaves me feeling hopeful and a little fearful. Will we the Dickersons live up to His calling? Will our hearts remain willing? Will we keep our focus on glorifying His name? I pray we will.
I hope that many of you will join us here in our mountain home. We miss you. You are on our mind and in our hearts. Thank you for caring to the very last line, both in our previous paths and here in this blog.
Love, Jody Kay
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