His Toe

I write letters in my mind. I also answer phone calls, give people therapy and encouragement, draft motivational speeches, express beautiful apologies, imagine and tell my kids funny stories, and hash things out with God. All in my mind. Almost every time there is a determined intent to put these things on paper tomorrow, or next week, or when the kids are napping. Sometimes I write the same person different drafts of a letter every night for weeks and never form a single stick, curve or dot with ink or lead.

My initial response to this lack of follow through is that I feel guilty. I feel like I have not taken action on something that the Holy Spirit has laid on my mind or heart over and over again. I believe that the receiver of said letter must need encouragement, or guidance, and I am ripping them off by my laziness or busyness. Then I remind myself of what I know to be true about God. He doesn’t need me, he wants to use me. For me. If God wants my friends and family to be encouraged, he provides them with encouragement. So then I think of this in a whole new light. The whispers that I ignore and postpone, they are offers from God, opportunities. Not opportunities to bless, serve, encourage, love, advise others, but opportunities to be blessed.

We were made by God to glorify Him by mimicking Jesus in every aspect of our lives. Our private thoughts, our family relationships, our use of finances, our ability to rest and enjoy this life that He has given us. Since we were made for this calling, when intentionally pursue it in our souls, hearts, attitudes, emotions, energy and wellbeing work better. This sounds a little simple, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I also don’t know why I keep having to remind myself of it when I know it is truth.

So how many moments have I missed?

When I am so angry at my husband that being in the house with him makes me want to crawl out of my skin, did I miss a whisper? Was I offered a chance to learn how to love, offer grace and forgive by advising a friend in a struggling marriage to do such things?

Did I miss a reminder of love and grace by yelling and punishing instead of teaching and demonstrating cooperation to my fighting, screaming children?

When I miss my friends and family so much that it physically hurts my gut. Did I miss an offered blessing? Was I offered a chance to remember good times, to feel those feelings of empathy, love, sisterhood, comfort rippling through my veins with every little hash and dot on the paper.

When I am feeling sorry for myself, I am bored, restless, feeling like my days are laundry and dinners and dishes , rice krispies dried to tabletops, broken electronics, check engine lights, lost phones and keys, chewed up shoes, error messages, viral croop, once, twice, three times ,lego under my foot, naked barbies, boys missing toilets, girl pees in pants, fleas on the smelly, unbathed dog, overgrown gardens, mildewed laundry, unpaid bills, rotten wasted vegetables in the fridge, dirt under long neglected little fingernails, pee in the bed, poop on the floor, overflowing drawers and closets, garages at maximum capacity-no cars included, no milk. Again.

Was I offered a chance to stop and notice? Was I nudged to write in order for God to help me shift focus? To talk of the 25 different flower varieties in my overgrown garden, the free music on the village green, kids tumbling, booties shaking, smiles being shared, 80 and 90 year old hands entwined, overheard sibling conversations-giggles included, sunrises at 4:30am, sunsets that last for hours and hours, when the world is small, families of wild turkeys, deer butts trotting in front of the van for a full mile-even their butts are fun to watch, the way my husband’s foot touching mine in the middle of the night can end a fight. THERE! THERE IT WAS! That sentence right there. It made me tingle from my head to my toes, my stomach fluttered, I feel joy, pure joy that God gave me that. God gave me a connection with this man so strong that a toe to the arch of my foot will overhaul all anger, break down enormous walls of entitlement, selfishness, pride and frustration.

So His work here is done. This time I stopped, I wrote, I allowed the thoughts to process and verbalized them. I learned, I found joy, I ended a fight with Jon in my heart, I forgave myself, I am inspired to notice God’s gifts this day. To focus on these things. To accept the offers and grasp the opportunities.

Let’s give Him time in our life to bless us. Accept His toe to the arch of your foot. It is all in the accepting.